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Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Fox news lied to me !
Posted:Mar 26, 2012 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2012 1:10 pm
73774 Views

When I headed out for work today I realized I didn't lock the door last night . Imagine my horror when I realized that not only was I not murdered by minorities or pro-lifers , but I WASN'T MURDERED AT ALL . How is that possible ? My whole world view as been shaken to its very core - to the core I say ! If Fox News is wrong about this is it possible they're wrong about something else ? Is Obama not a foreign born terrorist sleeper ? Did the UN not sell the rights to my organs to China when I reach age 45 ? I don't know what to believe anymore .

Just kidding , I don't watch Fox News (or real news channels) but I did leave my door unlocked last night apparently . Speaking of which I hear Canadians don't lock their doors . True/false ? And if true what cool stuff do you have in your house that could easily be carried by a lone man with no appreciable upper body strength ? I ask purely for research purposes of course .

When I moved into my house I gave a lot of though to home defense . I didn't buy a gun because although my friends are all dirty hunters and generally gun-obsessed I'm not a fan . Also if I had a gun there's a 100% chance I would shoot an "innocent" bystander within the first 24 hours of ownership . First time anyone walked towards the house I'd go full auto without even thinking about it . Also Unforgiven is a great movie - one of my favorite scenes is right after Little Bill beats down William Munny . Strawberry Alice says to him "You just kicked the shit out of an innocent man ." And he replies "Innocent ? Innocent of what ?"

That about sums up my world view right there . I have been accused of thinking that everyone's out to get me , which is not accurate . There are only a couple people out to get me and they're all ladies so I know its sexist of me but I'm not too worried about them . In the interest of full disclosure a guy did try to kill me once but he went to jail and got all the fight taken out of him - I prefer not to know how . But what I do worry about is all the people out there who are just out to get someone - they don't care who . I just don't want to make myself an easy target .

So I just got a couple machetes , a few knives , and a hatchet to hide in strategic locations around the house . Everyone told me for security you need a dog , but I hate dogs . A lot . I won't get on an anti-rant but I do not see the appeal at all - a seems less like a pet to me than a huge annoying burden . Also when I was a youth I had a crush on Jeanne Garofalo for some reason so I saw a lot of terrible movies , one of which was Must Love Dogs . Unfortunately I've seen worse . She had a pretty decent stand up act though .

Since dogs were out my next choice was a wolverine but there's obstacles there . One I would need an exotic pet license . Two based on what I know about wolverines it would be hard to train it not to claw my face off . So I settled on a badger - they're fierce in defense of their home but not remorseless killing machines like wolverines . I never found a badger hook-up , but it turned out it didn't matter .

Why ? Because after I moved in I didn't even care anymore . I used to get really freaked out by any noise in the night or hearing a voice outside , anything like that - but for some reason after I moved into my house it doesn't bother me anymore . I'm pretty sure if I saw someone standing over me with a knife I'd just turn over and go back to sleep . Either they're going to kill me or they're not - on which case I have work in the morning . I lived with my sister for a couple years after the miserable failure of my business so I guess maybe I was worried for her ? But even when she wasn't there I still got freaked out by the idea of someone breaking in . I can't explain why it doesn't bother me now .

Break-in story #1 . When I went away to college rather than live on campus I bought a trailer . For the most part I liked living in a trailer park , my trailer was 1000% nicer than any of my friend's apartments at the time . One night I was woken up by someone kicking in the front door . I went out the window quick as a coward but there were two dudes out there too . Turns out the guy who lived there before me owed money to the kind of person who was willing to kick in doors to get it . When he saw I wasn't him he apologized - which I found refreshing . A criminal with manners . He gave me some money to fix the door too .

Break-in story #2 . One time when I was living with my sister and she was on vacation some generic religious types pulled up in a huge red 4x4 . There was a very handsome fellow and a really attractive lady along with a mutant of some kind - honestly probably the ugliest man I've seen in real life . Ugly came to the door and gave the worst Jesus spiel I've ever heard . When I told him "yes , I have accepted Jesus as my savior" he got really annoyed and went back to the truck . The two pretty people came up next and start with their jibber-jabber . I don't know why , but for some reason I had the urge to glance back at the patio door and when I did I saw a guy with a little trying to pry open the back door with a crowbar . I slammed the front door and ran back there just as they got it open and the dude took off . I don't know why but I smacked the hard as hell in the face before he took off too . I have no idea what the hell was going on there . That bothered me for a long time .

Anyway the point is the first night I spent in my house all that anxiety went away . I find that very strange .

Now for the tangents

Game of Thrones update - I'm halfway through the first season and the king is still alive . When are these lazy bad guys going to assassinate him already ? Also there's a scene where a crazy lady breastfeeds like an 9 year old . Which is disturbing enough as a scene , but think about what that means - how did they film that ? There's no answer I like to that question .

Eyebrow update - For those of you who don't know , a unibrow may be unsightly but it is more effective at keeping sweat out of your eyes . Every now and them I trim the uni into two singletons and when I play tennis or broomball or kubb I'm 1/5th blind the whole time . I would bet that the unibrow is an evolutionary benefit that will be universal some day . Get it ? Unibrow ? Universal ? Good stuff .

Sexual harassment update - Turns out its not very funny in real life . I was standing outside a conference room waiting with my boss and a comely young (and I do mean young) lass today and out of the blue he say something to her about rubbing oil all over her body . I was floored . There's plenty of dirtbags in any office but I never got any whiff of that from him . I really wanted to bite his face off but I have a mortgage to pay you know . I could tell she was really uncomfortable . I feel like a dick for not doing anything .

Sexual harassment story #1 - My first job was cataloging microfiche after school when I was 15 . It was me , 3 people from my school and a disgusting blob in his 40s who was nominally in charge . He was a huge asshole to the other dude who was , oh , how shall I put it ? He had one hand on the may-pole if you know what I mean . Also he was always telling the 2 girls (one of which I had a crush on of course) how his wife didn't fulfill him sexually , etc. And what made it worse he treated me like we were good buddies . One day I couldn't take it anymore and I sucker punched him in the throat and jumped out of a second story window because I was afraid he was going to get up and kick the shit out of me . That's the only time I've ever punched someone . That's the only job I've ever been fired from . Also that's the dude who went to prison for trying to kill me .

See how that all tied together ?
10 Comments
Release the Kraken ! (the kraken is my penis see)
Posted:Mar 25, 2012 9:44 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2016 12:06 pm
71754 Views

I seem to have lost the ability to stay on topic so here's yet another string of random thoughts .

I don't believe in karma - at least not the version us silly white folk espouse which is basically what goes around comes around . I the actual religious concept in Buddhism and Hinduism seems plausible as far as metaphysical nonsense goes - I prefer the Buddhism flavor for those keeping track . But although I don't believe int he tit for tat version of karma I'm some of you do - and I'd like to give you a chance to practice your beliefs . I feel like I've earned about 37.5 karma points in my life so far . I think the last time I checked the redemption system was thus ;

Totally nude intercourse 4 points
Blowjob 2 points
Handjob 1 point
Date with a peck on the cheek half a point

Just let me know when you're available for what .

As I'm sure you all know I enjoy playing tennis and I've noticed lately that a lot of the fake profiles that have been fake flirting with me say in their 2 sentence profiles that they are pro-tennis . Is this the next stage in profile fakery ? Targeted marketing ? Also if there was a website for finding tennis partners rather than sex I would absolutely pay for that .

I was thinking this morning that its not really appropriate for ladies to refer to their ample bosoms as "the twins" because usually one is bigger than the other . But then I realized that I was the one being stupid because I've never heard a lady call them "the identical twins" .

One of the many questions I fear most when I'm with a lady are "What are you fantasies ?" Because I don't have any . And you know what isn't an acceptable answer to that question ? "I don't have any" . I can only assume it upset the ladyfolk so much because they assume its a lie and I'm concealing my real fantasies which are so awful and disgusting that I'm afraid to say them out loud . So the last time I just made some stuff up - I didn't feel good about it , but its better than the alternative .

One of the ladies I met on here used to pinch her nipples so hard during intercourse it made me wince sometime . She like every woman I've met on here eventually asked me if I was interested in "light bondage" . I don't really know what that means but I'm not . I try to be accommodating with the ladies because I know you could do a lot better , but I'm just not into that kind of thing at all . I try not to moralize either but it doesn't seem right to me . None of the woman I've dated in a non Fuckbook Of Sex capacity every asked that but then most of them weren't interested in sex anyway .

Speaking of which it seems like there's no middle ground . The women I've met on Fuckbook Of Sex have a sex drive WAY higher than mine . But most of the women I've met through "conventional" means barely had a sex drive at all . I just want someone to meet me halfway . Also if they liked butt stuff that would be a bonus . And if they didn't drive like a maniac that would be nice too . I've never been with a woman who didn't drive recklessly - I know they exist , I've just never been in a relationship with one .

I used to date a concert promoter and she used to ask everyone what the 5 best concerts they've ever been to were . I'm not a big fan of live music (or any activity where I'm trapped in a sea of humans) but I have seen a couple good shows ;

Beastie Boys in Boston
Rage Against the Machine and Wu-Tang Clan in Kansas City
I've also seen They Might Giants a bunch of times but I doubt anyone cares about that .

Speaking of which did you know that Staten Island historians Robert Wilburn and Charles Tinsley have successfully traced the lines of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan all the way back to 1993 AD ? Because they did .

"It was an immense project" said Tinsley , who coauthored the 450-page genealogical report . "For instance , it took us months to conclude that Ol' Dirty Bastard , Dirt McGirt , Big Baby Jesus, Osirus , Dirt Dog , and Peanut the Kidnapper were all the same person ."
"Still , a number of exciting new discoveries were made," Tinsley continued . "We learned that RZA does in fact come from the same royal bloodline as Prince Rakim , and that Method Man , as many have suspected in the past , always holds the mic sideways when bustin'."
In all, nearly 300 descendants of the Wu-Tang Clan were identified and cataloged by the two historians , including Buddha Monk , Hook Ninja , K-Blunt , Tommy Whispers , Kryme Life , and Trife Da God . Tinsley was quick to note , however , that the total number of Wu-Tang descendants was impossible to calculate , and could very well reach into the tens of thousands.
"While the Clan is generally associated with tales of conquest , slaughter , and 'bringing da motherfuckin' ruckus ,' it must also be noted that its members were prolific lovers who expanded the empire by sowing their seed all across the country ," Tinsley said . "Who knows , perhaps my very own are direct descendants of Ghostface Killah ."

I'm glad my dad isn't Ghostface Killah , but I wonder what my life would have been life if he was . Or Master Killer .
8 Comments
Fire for effect
Posted:Mar 24, 2012 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:45 pm
71981 Views

I was planning on staging a sympathy strike for flirtatiousone4u (I assume she's striking for better healthcare for bloggers) but it turns out that I like blogging . Its a sad sorry state of affairs . Also I'm a scab . Also I'm too tired from playing tennis to think properly so this is going to be another collection of random crunk . Also I start a lot of sentences with the word also which is not very proper sentence structure . I use anyway a lot also - which again is sloppy syntax . Anyway , this isn't going to be funny so proceed with caution .

I've been trying to get rid of a lot of furniture and various stuff around the house prior to putting it out for spring clean-up and one of my co-workers said they'd take a couch and loveseat I have in the back room .

"Alright , you can come pick up tomorrow ." I said reasonably .

She made that face women make sometimes that while I would never hit a woman REALLY makes you want to - that "Why would I lift a finger to do anything myself ever" face . I hate that face . Anyway she eventually annoyed me about it enough I agree to deliver her her god damn FREE couch and loveseat .

"Where do you live ?" I asked holding back my anger

AND SHE MADE THE FACE AGAIN . Turns out she didn't even WANT them , it was for some friend of hers and she wanted me to take it to their house - and she wasn't even planning on being there . Just show up at these strangers house and give them free stuff idiot . Screw that noise . Thankfully I don't like my co-workers anyway so it won't make things awkward .

Also on the work front some ladies were complaining about their husbands/boyfriends/whatever not taking their socks off during sex . I don't like having socks on when I'm naked .

Order of taking clothes off for 40Deuce (for sex , presuming shoes are already off)

1. Outer shirt
2. Socks
3. Pants
4. Inner shirt
5. All other shirts
6. Underwears

I have had ladies keep their socks on during in the winter sometimes . I don't really have a problem with that . I like a little splash of color - all that pale white skin tone gets to me sometimes . For the record am I pro pulling panties to the side rather than removing . I like bra on during sex sometimes too . I guess I like a few accessories during the business time . Also for the sake of completeness ;

Order of putting clothes back on for 40Deuce (after sex , after as much nude lounging as I'm allowed)

1. Inner shirt(s)
2. Underwears
3. Outer shirt
4. Pants
5. Socks (if being ejected from the premises)

I would never leave my socks on during sex anyway because my special move is send my foot on a flanking mission to attack from the rear while the lady is on top taking care of business . Trust me if your into butt stuff and you're never had a big toe in your ass you're missing out .

I kindly suggest that the follow blog topics be retired as they have been discussed ad naseaum .

Spit or swallow
Cock pics
Fake profiles
Fuckbook Of Sex doesn't work
Man = bad , woman = good

I think those topics have been very thoroughly covered . If you want some suggestions for new topics ;

Sex - real thing or urban myth ?
Why I'm smarter than everyone else and should get a raise
What would American be like if our judicial system was based on the Napoleonic Code instead of natural law
Shark jacking
Tales of fraud and malfeasance in railroad hiring practices

Also I don't really get why people post song lyrics .

I've heard of this lady called Jenna Jameson who's a porn star of some sort - she was on Ben Stein once . Anyway I had never see her before this morning when I watched part of Interracial Lesbians #22 (I hadn't seen 1-21 so I was totally lost plotwise) . I wasn't impressed . She's hot of course , but she gives the really fakey porn star style performance . I like it better when they at least give a tiny veneer of plausibility . And if you're going to make noise the whole time at least vary your pitch and tone a little .

I finished a book recently about the origins of human violence (spoiler alert its dudes) which was pretty good , but when I was talking with some people about it one of them said it was "feminist propaganda" and the other said it was "only good for self-hating males" . Jigga-what ? Almost all violent crime is committed by dudes . That is what we like to call around these parts a fact . Anyone who thinks men aren't more violent than women is dumb stupid moron I want to punch violently in the face . Are women capable of violence ? Of course (although usually they just tease you until you get an eating disorder) but most violence is from dudes . I don't think there's any disputing that .

But that's not what I want to talk about - the book also suggested that our primitive babboonlike ancestors were bisexual like mad . The idea is that men and women didn't live together , they only joined up for mating and that for fun dudes were banging dudes and ladies were banging ladies . If that's true I wonder why it switched to what we have going on now . And while we're on the subject , I enjoy archeology and anthropology - I took several courses in college on both . But as much as enjoy the subjects , I also know they're 100% made up . Its pretty much impossible to understand why people do they do right now - let alone hundreds or thousand of years ago . Here's how it works at your basic dig site ;

Grad student - Hey look , I found a pot with a on it .

Professor - Ah , that means the was a very important part of the culture of these people .

Grad student - Why ? Maybe the guy who made it just liked horses .

Professor - Shut up ! F for you asshole !

But obviously no one got upset about the suggestion of bisexual cavemen , probably because if that would upset you you don't believe in evolution so you think cavemen are made up anyway . BUT I also read a paper recently that suggested during the Civil War a lot of southern ladies totally lezed out while their husbands were off fighting . This has made a lot of people very upset . Many of them said that no one at that time even knew what "gay" was .

Pardon me ?

I don't even understand what that means . If you know what sex is you can pretty much figure out it can happen with anyone (or anything sadly) . It makes perfect sense to me . I'm sure marriages at that time didn't have "love" involved most of the time . I'm fairly sure having an emotional connection with your spouse is a relatively new thing . If you were a lady in the 1800's your husband was mostly just a business partner (and one who treated like shit most likely) - but you probably had friends you really did care about . Husband leaves , bam , pussy lucking mania .

I also have a theory that whenever I'm not around all women strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight but that's less based on science than hope .

I should probably change my profile pic - it does show how fat and disgusting I am quite nicely , but its a little misleading . That picture was taken when I was in the Bahamas . I was growing out my hair (because having your scalp sunburned is the 3rd most painful thing I've experienced) and I was going full beard . I've been shaving my head since I was 14 and normally I only have a goatee . I used that because its the only picture (that I know of) that's been taking of me since my senior pictures . I don't care for having my picture taken you see . Also my neice had put a crackerjack tattoo on me - I don't have any tattoos .

And I'll leave you with a story probably no one will appreciate . I was over at a friend's house the other day and his little girl was in trouble for something and since she was in trouble anyway , she just let loose . And her most deadly insult to her dad and those of our ilk ;

"And , and , and Greedo shot first !"

I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib .

PS - For sonic&sideshow

Clit , clit , clit , clit , clit , clit , clit , clit , clit , clit

Clit

NO REFUND !
8 Comments
Ask Dr. Screwlittle
Posted:Mar 22, 2012 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 3:11 pm
71623 Views

For those of you who are not regular readers of my blog this is where I answer some of the questions I've been Fuckbook Of Sex-mailed .

Aphidface7and7 wrote

"Your tribute to DDnMore sucked a dick, why dind't you compliment her looks? Your an idiot."

First of all you misspelled didn't . Also you're not your . But to answer your question this is another example of how the Golden Rule ruined my life . I don't like getting compliments (it makes me angry) so I don't give any out . But even if I was a complimenter I would not tell a beautiful woman that she's beautiful because that's dumb . If you met Michael Jordan would you say

"Hey man you know , I think you're really good at basketball ."

That's a waste of everyone's time . There's no point in saying things that are patently obvious . If I was going to give a compliment it would be one that meant something . But I'm not .

Spreadcheeks4u6969 wrote

"ur profile is retarded"

I don't know what ur means (stands for ultra-rare to most nerds like me) so I assume you meant your (not you're) . My profile has no measurable intelligence , therefore in now way can it be said to be retarded . Except in the pejorative sense of course ."

AmReady4Usex59 wrote

"You shouldn't joke about people's mom's and vaginal dryness , my mom died last year ."

Then she definitely has a dry vagina

secretsexybbw wrote

"just sghut the fck up already!"

That's not really a question and you misspelled a third of the words you used but thanks for reading .

kingpussyripperbjnow wrote

"youve never been lauid right have you?"

Ah , spelling people , spelling - I know this is the internet but make a little bit of an effort will you ? I in fact have been "laid" as the say these days . I have to admit that after the first time I got "laid" my exact thoughts were "That's it ? That's what all the fuss is about ?" But I stuck with it and it got better . Not great , but better .

sugarmumsiepups wrote

"teh cheif fiucks the secretary have"

Uh , okay ?

crunkdonkydick wrote

"fag"

Again , this is not really a question - but thanks for reading .

faceblaster8000 wrote

"what is wrong with you, did you get dropped on your head?"

Not that I know of , but when I was a I did go down the stairs in one of those bouncing walkers whatever things that they put in before they can walk . And when I was 2 I ate rat poison and almost died - that might have done something to me brain . Also one time when I was in high school I got kicked in the head hard enough that I lost consciousness . Speaking of which it seems to happen in about a third of the action movies/TV shows ever made : Someone jumps our hero from behind , and the screen goes to black . Hours later , he wakes up in some strange place and has to think on his feet to make his escape .

We see it in Casino Royale , after Bond survives a car accident but before he gets smashed in the nuts over and over . It also happens in Pulp Fiction , when Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames are knocked out by the owner of the pawn shop and wake up bound and gagged , right before the guy decides to "bring out the gimp". When they wake up, the guys aren't happy about it, but they're otherwise immediately alert and aware -- Willis is even able to orchestrate a violent escape a minute later. It also happens to Marty McFly at least once in every Back to the Future movie : He knocks himself unconscious and inevitably wakes up a while later in bed with his mother (or in one case, a paternal grandmother who looks disturbingly like his mother).

But that's nothing compared to the repeated head trauma suffered by some TV characters - you would see it happen repeatedly on Lost (usually with the butt of a gun) and Heroes (usually right before every commercial break). The character Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was known for being ;

1. super-smart and
2. extremely prone to head injuries

These two things are not as compatible as you might think . We've all seen boxers and football players get knocked out for a few seconds and then jump up and continue playing the game (hell, it's happened to some of you reading this). But it's all about how long you are out . Experts say if you're ever out for more than five minutes , call a god damn ambulance . There's a really , really good chance you have severe damage . A hit hard enough to keep you down that long means concussion or , worse, a traumatic brain injury or your brain may be god damn bleeding on the inside .

And that's talking about being out a matter of minutes - think about all of the movies you've seen where the character wakes up into some wacky misunderstanding hours later . In Pulp Fiction, the guy from the pawn shop has enough time to carry the characters to his basement one at a time , tie them to chairs and wait for his friend to arrive . By the time they wake up (not on their own -- they only wake up because their captor sprays water on them), Willis and Rhames can probably say goodbye to such helpful abilities as standing , walking , talking or maybe even waking up again.

And when you start talking about those TV show characters who are getting knocked out in every other episode, you're dealing with realism on the level of Elmer Fudd surviving getting flattened by a boulder . Concussions - even mild ones - have cumulative effects (as every football fan now knows). The more times you get knocked unconscious, the more severe your dizziness , disorientation and nausea will be each time . So , by the end of Back to the Future Part III , after being knocked out so many times in a period of like two weeks (or 125 years, depending on how you look at it) , Marty McFly should be reduced to a drooling idiot incapable of walking by himself , let alone driving a DeLorean through time and space .

thebjqueen wrote

"you seem like a nice guy but you're never going to get laid like this"

True , I do SEEM like a nice guy , but I'm not . Sure I give to charity and I love all my fellow humans like Jesus commanded but I am full of bitter hatred and spiteful anger . AND unlike they told me in Return of the Jedi it HAS NOT made me powerful . Screw you George Lucas . Also get laid like what ? That's a very ambiguous statement . Plus , this is going to sound like bragging but I would rather be myself and never have sex again that put on a show - I may get nothing but at least I'll deserve it .

Also a bunch of people asked if I'm gay - I'm not . If you have any questions let 'er rip .
9 Comments
Because everyone's doing it
Posted:Mar 21, 2012 7:32 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2012 12:53 pm
70232 Views

The top 11 words from my blog posts ;

love
vagina
weird (I do think a lot of things are weird)
cock
pussy
penis (I say vagina more than pussy but cock more than penis - must mean something)
anal (I do like the theory of it)
first time (I must talk about the first time I do things a lot)
america (damn right !)
straight (maybe I'm trying to convince myself ?)
clit
3 Comments
In freaking tribute to feverpitch60
Posted:Mar 21, 2012 7:01 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 3:11 pm
70370 Views

I'm not quite sure why I'm tributing someone who very openly advocated my kidnap and imprisonment in her closet but it is what it is . Have I mentioned that I hate the expression "it is what it is" and other semantically null statements ? Because I do . I don't think anyone else really reads my blog , but just in case - this is the end of the 40deuce tribute series . I do have one question before I begin - why feverpitch60 ? Were 1-59 taken ? What's the significance of the number sixty ? And why would you name yourself after a horrible Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore movie ?

I met Feverpitch60 (or Feves as I call her) in 1983 when I was born - and I mean right then , she was there hanging around the delivery room . I don't know why , I guess she likes seeing ladies get ripped from their V to their A - which makes her a sick twitch if you ask me . And yes for those of you who can do math I was already 6 years old when I was born . We struck up a conversation while the doctor cut the umbilical cord and eventually she said ,

"Wanna invent rocketry ?"

And I said "Sure"

A lot of people think that Konstantin Eduardovitch Tsiolkovsky is the father of modern rocketry but it was actually Feverpitch and I . A couple hours after I was born we had our first rocket ready for a maiden flight to the moon . As we strapped in Feves turned to me and said

"You ready to light this bitch off and change the fucking world ?"

And I said "Sure"

Unfortunately our rocket only had enough juice to get us halfway there - LIKE YOUR MOM ! See in your mom's case the "juice" is mucus generated by the Bartholin's glands , located slightly below and to the left and right of the introitus - which tend to stop working so great as you get older . All I'm saying is that your mom has vaginal dryness which is normal for a woman of her age . So we had to bail out of the rocket via the rear hatch - see the one design flaw of our rocket was there was only rear entry - LIKE YOUR MOM !

Thankfully we were close to Mars and we were able to just hop on down into the arsia mons hole (my nickname for your mom coincidentally) . Now I know what you're saying "I'm no astronomer but I'm pretty sure that Mars is not between earth and the moon ." You know what ? You're right . You're NOT an astronomer so just zip your lid ! I was there jackass . And if you are an astronomer fuck you for what you did to Pluto ! I oughta bend you over something , something , something LIKE YOUR MOM !

Anyway , Feves and I were able to use my singing skills to get enough space cash to catch a pimpmobile back to earth . It was on the flight back that Feves revealed to me that she was Lucy Liu , a robot sent back in time to kill Brooke Shields before she could star in the remake of the film Blue Lagoon (and yes this was the inspiration for the Terminator franchise) . I told her that had already happened three years ago but she was not to be dissuaded . So we found yourselves outside of Brooke Sheild's elegant mansion when suddenly we were confronted by a cadre of well-armed dick hunters . Frightened I turned to Feves for comfort ;

"This is a tight spot (like you mom's vagina) Feves , what are they ."

Grimly she intoned , "They're professional dick hunters , they CRAVE dick . . . as do we all ." (especially your mom)

I clung to her for support "What ever shall we do ?"

Scornfully she kicked me to the ground "What's this WE bullshit ? I don't have a dick , I'm out of here ."

"What about you mission to kill Brooke Shields ?!" I cried as the dick hunters moved in . But she just flipped me the bird and caught a cab to best Buy to get the new Prince tape . Yeah , TAPE .

Thankfully like all professional hunters they don't rip the dicks off until their mature so I was let go . I tried to complete the mission to kill Brooke Shields but I was only six so I failed . I didn't see Feves again until 1996 when I came upon her quite unawares while she was nose-deep in my prom date's kooze .

"Feves , what are you doing ? I thought we were friends ?!" I cried in dismay .

Startled , wiping the vag juice off her mouth she replied "Oh , ah , we were just . . . ah , having a three-way . Yeah , with you ! We just got started early is all . . . yeah , that's what we're doing yessirree ." .

Buoyed I said "Great , should I take my pants off ?"

But she said I was too late and the three way was over . She grabbed a cab and headed to Sam Goody to get the new Tupac CD . I don't know who , but somehow she got my prom date pregnant and I was left to raise the baby on my own after said prom date ditched the for a career in soft core porn (like your mom) . And who was that ? Katy Perry .

And that was the last I had seen of Feverpitch60 - until a few weeks ago . And this time its PERSONAL !
3 Comments
I'm just tired and I don't love you anymore
Posted:Mar 21, 2012 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2012 4:46 pm
71613 Views

That's the best response I've come up with for when your lady asks you why you don't want to have sex . Trust me the whole sex thing will be forgotten immediately .

I got an e-mail (or Fuckbook Of Sex-mail as I'd like to coin a term) telling me my blog has sucked lately . I was about to reply quite smartly that my blog has always sucked but then I did some research . I think "When I think about you I don't touch myself" and "A Gentleman's guide to pounding vag" are both pretty decent. So anyway , since my blog is in a suck phase (and not the good kind) I'm just going to throw out some random stuff without ANY regard for structure or organization .

I notice my Gold membership now expires on 4/18 instead of 4/7 . How did that happen ? How do you get 11 days of Gold membership ? Curiouser and curiouser . I can only assume one of the literally SOME people who read my blog went down to Fuckbook Of Sex headquarters (Gary , Indiana) and sleazed their way into seeing the COO (Richard Marvel) and exchanged some sexual favors in return for extending my membership (knowing that I refuse to stick around as a disgusting standard member) . So whomever you are , thanks I guess . I am curious to know what sex act is the equivalent of 11 days of Gold membership on Fuckbook Of Sex . Eskimo blowjob maybe ?

Anyway , since literally NO people have been asking here's why I'm not renewing my Gold membership . I'm not one of those crybabies who says Fuckbook Of Sex "doesn't work" (I'm a different kind of crybaby) because it has worked for me . I have met ladies on here , gotten totally nude (without clothes on) and made sweet , sweet love to their vagina , mouth and/or asshole with my penis , fingers , and/or mouth . Sometimes more than one at once (body part not lady) . But when I came back I said I'd give it a month paid (I got 2 free months) and if there was ANY kind of progress I'd stick with it for a while . But the truth is I haven't even been trying . I've been back active for 9-10 weeks and I've sent out maybe 5 messages . You can get action on Fuckbook Of Sex but you have to work at it - which I'm not doing so why bother ?

All I've been doing is reading , commenting , and blogging on blogs really . I don't need to waste money on that .

Anyway , getting back to the crybabies , Fuckbook Of Sex is no easier than getting laid in real life - its just slightly more convenient because you don't have to put on pants . Nothing comes easy in this life folks - you have to work at pretty much everything . Get over it . People (ie dudes) seems to think all they have to do is sign up and they'll be neck-deep in pussy (which is actually really dangerous) . It ain't that easy .

Anyway , getting back to fingering ladies in the asshole . I don't know if I have thin skin or what , but I almost always have a cut on at least one of my fingers . There have been times when I was lovingly fingerbanging a lady in the five hole (due to poor goaltending) when I thought "this probably isn't a good place to be for an open wound" . But have you ever tried to fingerbang with your off hand ? It don't feel right . So is trying to use your pinky or ring finger . The thumb , index and middle finger are where its at fingerbanging wise - I call them the Three Amigos (not really) . I have to say there's something strangely satisfying about fingering a lady with your flip off finger .

Why is it when your neighbor is blaring their music and annoying you its never good music ? It would be annoying either way , but why does it have to be the worst crap rock every time ? At least annoy me with something good . Update on my neighbor - I have a friend who works vice and I had him check her record ; prior arrests for solicitation . Those of you who voted you were correct . Thanks for play or drug dealer .

Do you consider Transformers super heroes ? In one of our dumb hippy get to know you meetings at work someone said their favorite superhero was Optimus Prime . I don't . I can't really articulate why . Its not because they don't have powers (Batman , Green Arrow , Iron Man , Captain America , Hawkeye , Black Widow , Nightwing , Batgirl , Huntress , Spoiler , a million others) or because they're robots (Vision , Red Tornado , Amazo , Human Torch , Red Inferno , Red Torpedo , Tomorrow Woman , some others) they just aren't . Someone suggested it was because they were a cartoon before a comic , but that would mean the Powerpuff Girls aren't superheroes either and they totally are .

Sometimes people say "If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing" . Which is dumb , because even if you had the best life ever you already lived it - wouldn't you want something different ? Don't be boring with your second chance at life . I would do everything differently - just for the sake of keeping things interesting . I wouldn't go to college that's for damn sure - didn't do me any good . Unless you think debt is good . And its not .

Sometimes when I'm at work and two ladies are chatting and they get really close to each other like ladies tend to do I think "Why can't they just start making out ? Just once ?" Which is bad , I shouldn't think that . As I've mentioned I work with my cousin , he became a supervisor recently and so far he's hired ;

Hot blonde
Hot blonde
Hot blonde with huge rack
Hot blonde
Hot blonde
Short hot blonde

I thought he was more dedicated to his work than that . Or maybe I'M the one being a jerk for thinking that 6 hot blondes in a row weren't the most qualified candidates .

Anyway getting back to why I didn't even really try on Fuckbook Of Sex this time around . I want to have sex but I don't really you know ? I desire it , fantasize about it even (which is not normal for me) but I don't really want it if that makes sense . To me FWB and NSA and whatever other acronyms you have are BS . There's one night stands and there are relationships - even if they're crappy relationships by normal standards . And I don't care for either . Being in a relationship for me means being anxious and feeling sick all the time . I know you won't believe me because I'm a dude , but maybe there's a bisexual lady who'll back me up . Being in a relationship with a woman is stressful - terrifying even . You never know , not even a little , what's coming next . Its pure chance (or so it seems from this side).

I never wanted , but I have also learned that even if I did it would be a bad idea . A while back my girlfriend's niece (10) got jumped by a 14 year old boy who kicked the shit out of her and said he was going to shove his dick in her . If that happened to my I would 100% without any regret find that boy and murder him . And if his parents had a problem with that I'd murder them too . Which makes me a bad person I guess but its the truth . If I had I'm pretty sure I'd be raising them in a cave in the desert without any contact with society .

Anyway , getting back to the two chicks and wanting them to make out I think that's the only big difference between men and woman . Dudes generally are pro chicks kissing and ladies generally don't get a lot out of two guys slobbering all over each other . That's pretty much it .

Rambling diatribe complete
6 Comments
In freaking honor of DDnMore
Posted:Mar 20, 2012 6:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2012 4:44 pm
69742 Views

I don't know if she was really my first watcher or not , but she demanded it and one of my few good qualities is following directions (sort of) .

I've read her blog (sort of) faithfully but I don't really know what much about her . She's apparently into Rock which I guess is okay as long as you're into getting hepatitis . He does have some okay music and he was in Joe Dirt so there's an upside there . Still , if I was a lady I'd aim a little higher . No , who am I kidding , if I was a lady I'd be down at the docks waiting for the fleet to come in .

I'm given to understand via her profile that crossdressing is OFF LIMITS to her which seems weird . I'd totally wear a dress if it was socially acceptable - wearing pants blows . Plus Brad Pitt in a dress is still Brad Pitt right ? Isn't what's inside the dress what's important . Also , have I ever mentioned that Brad Pitt plays a great crazy person ? 12 Monkeys , Fight Club , Snatch . Hehe Snatch . All great movies , if you haven't seen them you're a bad person . I have them all on DVD if you want to come over and watch them sometime . Just keep your trap shut , I hate when people talk during movies . A lady broke up with me once because even though I had repeatedly warned her I was going to I had the usher throw her out of a movie . I guess she thought I was kidding . I had to walk home - only time my life I kind of wished I had a mobile phone .

But I digress , this is supposed to be a tribute .

I've also heard there's a project underway to clone her - which I fully support . A few clones of her is exactly what this world needs . Maybe more than a few . Get a couple thousand of her running around and I might have a shot if I hit the gym real hard and grew out my hair . Plus clone porn . I assume if you're a clone you have low self-esteem because you're not a real person so it should be easy to get a couple of those clones into the adult firm business .

I'm pretty sure I'm a better rapper than her husband - some day we should have a off for charity . I think people would enjoy that . My rhymes are so potent I made all the ladies in the area pregnant . On the other hand most everyone I know has been (or is currently) in the military so they'd probably side with him . I can never get a fair shake no matter how many -offs I participate in .

I believe she mentioned she recently lost her hope in humanity and was thinking of joining a cult . My advise if you want to make money be a cult leader , if you want to have fun be a cult follower . Also cults are dumb , pyramid schemes are where its at - not that I'm judging . I personally lost faith in humanity when I was 13 and I saved a from drowning - my reward ? His mom called the cops on me . I was pretty much done then . Also dating didn't help .

This isn't a very good tribute so far but then again you get what you pay for - or you know , even less .

She has a princess complex (or so she claims) and the Princess Bride was a great movie so that's something . Fun fact one of the few fetishy type things I'm into is having sex with a royal . I'm not a bragger but there's just something appealing about mentioned "Oh really , well did you know I fucked the fucking queen of the fucking Netherlands ?!" I don't usually swear either , but I think its called for in that case .

Hmm , this isn't going well , but this is as tributey as I can get . Plus my cat is annoying the piss out of me and I still need to workout before I go to bed . I guess what I'm saying is write your own tribute and I will gladly sign my name on it . I have no integrity and I have no problem with plagiarism .

Anyone else ? Help me out here , tribute away .
1 comment
You brought this on yourselves - FRACTIONS !
Posted:Mar 19, 2012 5:45 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:55 pm
70581 Views

The other day I commented on the blog of a comely young lass who claimed to be 1/3 Irish - questioning the veracity of this claim . She deleted my comment (and rightfully so) because she was trying to be sexy and talk about her fake Irish snizz and I was blabbering on about math . But the concept kept rattling around in my head and I had to work it out before I got even crazier . I stole my bosses white board and worked it out over lunch with some good old fashioned punett squares (remember those from school ?)

You cannot be 1/3 anything because 2^X is never divisible by 3‏ - not ever . But , I will stipulate that if you go back ten generations from yourself to 1024 ancestors and 341 of them are Irish (or whatever) you will be 33.3% Irish , which is pretty close to 1/3 . So if you're kind of person who's okay with rounding you can say that you're 1/3 Irish (or whatever) but you're still a liar . PLUS does anyone have their family that well documented back 10 generations ? I suggest that they do not .

While we're on the subject , did you know that cats can have more than one father ? I think that's a pretty sweet system - I wish we humans had that , its a pretty significant advantage . Think about it , you can get pregnant with your husband because you love him or whatever , but then you can also go out and find a male with desirable traits and hump him - toss his superior genes in the mix too . Obviously as a race we'd be better off if you left your loser husband childless - but with free will and all I think this would be a good system .

Alright , I still haven't lost any watchers , and I'm assuming that a blast of maths at you will take care of a lot of you - but I'm wheeling out the big guns now . A little something I like to call the god damn truth . You know those fake profiles and scammers and whatnot you're always hearing about ? Yo , right here , that's me . I mean just look at my profile - you think that's real ? No one could really be like that . Use your head .

No , no , in reality I am not the fat man you know (sort of) and love (in your own way , kind of like the way an ape loves a kitty) . I am really a 21 year old nymphomaniac (did you know that hypersexuality in men is called satyriasis ?) with huge , pendulous double D breasts , no gag reflex and a daddy issues . And my vagina ? Don't even get me started - the thing is cavernous . And I mean that literally , they filmed the movie the Cave in there (and a good deal of the sound editing was done in my asshole) . Now , my asshole is haunted so when you slam me hard in the butt you're taking your dick into your own hands (so to speak) but I'm too much of a slut not to take it in every hole multiple times every time . I do anal AND everything . Plus I'm totally bi . Way bi .

How does that feel ? Knowing that I pulled the wool over your eyes ? Not to good I wager . Now you may be saying "Well I don't believe that for a second , I hooked up with 40 and I think I'd know if he was a hot sex-crazed cum dumpster of a woman ." Maybe so , but that wasn't me at all ! You had sex with some hobo I hired to pretend to be this 40Deuce persona I've come up with - which explains the smell and the dry elbows (the homeless don't moisturize properly you see - its not their fault) .

You may be asking yourself "Why would you bother to pretend to be a 30 year old man with no real prospects and a borderline personality disorder ?" Who's going to stop me ? You ? I scoff at the very idea . I have fooled you all - making you therefore the fools . Take that .

Next you're probably going to say "But if you're 21 wouldn't that mean you were like 15 when you joined Fuckbook Of Sex ?" Damn right , that's the kind of mega- I am .

Now , if that shocking revelation wasn't enough to drive you away I have one final card to play . And trust me , its not something you want to see . Do us both a favor and just fade away gracefully . Woman to woman let me tell you - its the right thing to do . And if you're a dude its still the right thing to do .
3 Comments
I got my vagina yesterday
Posted:Mar 18, 2012 8:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2012 5:16 pm
71416 Views
Alright , you don't seem to be getting what's going on here - I actually picked up a couple more watchers instead of losing any . You nerds must really be into a Game of Thrones . I'm going to level with you , its not so much that I've run out of interesting things to say (because I never had anything interesting to say EL OH E its more about my gold membership running out soon . Obviously I'm not going to hang around here as a filthy standard member . But I can't abandon my blog while people are still watching it . So a couple of you have to drop off each day - we need to hit 0 watchers by 4/7/12 . I know together we can do it . I'm going to do my part by now posting a deal where I refer to a bunch of my old blogs - which will annoy you .

As I mentioned in my post "It takes a special kind of man to write a product review of a blow-up doll"I found out that an important part of the blow-up doll is the fake vagina , which makes a lot more sense than what I though it was . Anyway as I've mentioned in many posts , most famously "And that is where babies come from" I'm not a very good masturbater . So I thought I've give one of these fake vaginas a try . I ordered it a while back and it came yesterday . I was sitting out on my front porch reading - here's a quick reenactment .

Mailman - Howdy 40 , here's a package for you , feels like some kind of fake vagina .

40Deuce - Could be , I ordered one a while back .

Mailman - Well , you enjoy .

40Deuce - Will do .

I bet YOU never even talk to your letter carrier . In the package was the thing itself ;



And my god damn free gift - a mother loving vibrator ! As I mentioned in my post "Please stop sending me dildos and clit massagers " this drives me absolutely crazy . Why do I get a free lady sex toy every time I order something ? Why ? I'm a man ! Not much of one , but still a man . But , on the plus side it also came with a little bottle of lube - which is good because I hadn't though of that . I assume trying to sex a fake vagina without lube is a bad time . Plus now I have some lube on hand in case I have a lady over .

ROFLMA

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate initialisms ? Because I do . A lot .

So I throw the dildo in the sewer for the lady CHUDs (note to self , new business idea - dating site for CHUDs) and break out my new fake vagina . Looks kind of neat , smells kind of bad . Insert your own joke here . So I decide to give this bad boy a whirl . I thought I still had some porn around somewhere but I didn't find any and when I was looking I did find some old short stories I had written and stopped to read them for a few hours and marvel at how stupid I used to be . Granted I'm stupid now , but back then man oh man . As I've mentioned in any number of posts , most famously "Cling to your pathetic fable of sexual intercourse" I don't like the internet porn because its mean . So there I was with my fake vagina all ready to go and no porn . What's a fellow to do ?

Thankfully we have the greatest power in the world - the power of imagination . That didn't work either though because my imagination is weak and silly . So I fished a maidenform ad out of the trash and went to town .

Bonus question - what's the most shameful thing you've ever masturbated to/with ?

I popped a cap in that fake vagina's ass and then after spraying it off with the hose in the backyard I paused to reflect on the experience . Its definitely better that using the old hand . But that's kind of like saying its better to die from 3 gunshots to the chest rather than 5 . So it still sucks , but its better than nothing . I guess I'll keep it around . I need to get my money's worth out of it in any case . But where do you keep your fake vagina ? I have mine next to my toothbrush because they're both things I want to keep clean .

Fun fact , one mythbusters one time they tested the myth that keeping your toothbrush outside of the bathroom would result in less feces on your toothbrush . That is false and you know what else ? Your toothbrush already has tons of feces on it when you buy it . Consider that when you're making the decision to watch this blog or not . You know that because of me .

So , in conclusion

1. Fake vagina is just okay

2. I left the house today with only 1 shirt on for the first time since I became a fat man

3. Your toothbrush is lousy with feces

Thanks for reading !
6 Comments
Post denied ?
Posted:Mar 17, 2012 5:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2012 5:45 pm
69337 Views

I feel so ashamed . If I can't abide by the guidelines of someplace as smutty as Fuckbook Of Sex how can I exist in human society at all ?

This is your fault somehow I'm sure . Also how did I get 7 views it it was denied ? Did it take that many people to decide it was unethical and a threat to society ? That sounds like a sweet job , reviewing blogs for a living . I would deny them all the time you can bet on that .

Anyway , since my real post was too offensive for even you perverts , all I have for today is this .

I got stood up for a lunch date today and I was more releived than anything . I think that's a bad sign .
5 Comments
The princess is in another castle (and she's not really that into you anyway)
Posted:Mar 17, 2012 8:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2012 8:00 pm
69259 Views

I don't really have anything interesting to say anymore , but since people watch my blog now I supposes I should take the high road and continue to blog until I successfully drive you all away . Doing reviews of TV shows should be a good way to start . I assume I can get down to 9 watchers based just on this .

Review of A Game of Thrones Episode One "Winter is Coming"

That's kind of a weak title . I think a better title would have been BANNED TOPIC APPARENTLY . Pretty much every one I know as read a game of thrones and loved it - but one of my friends hated it . And one of my many bad habits is if 10 people recommend someone and 1 person says it sucks guess which one I listen to ? So I never read the books , but everyone said the TV show was good so I got the DVD of the first season .

We start off with a short scene introducing the White Walkers - some kind of scary undead monster that no one believes . They kill some dudes . Everyone said this scene was great and White Walkers were super creepy but it was pretty lame . Not a great start . I've seen scarier stuff on SCI-FI original movies .

Next we get introduced to a bunch of characters from House Stark - I presume they're going to be the protagonists . They guard the northlands from the dirty barbarians from the North Pole . I assume Santa is their king . For character intro stuff this was not bad .

Next the king and all his underlings come to House Stark land for a party . The king's right hand man is dead and he's coming to ask Mr Stark (not the Iron Man one) to be his new right hand man . Stark doesn't want to but he's got honor and whatnot so he's going to do it anyway . There's a bunch of nudity and people humping - I guess to show what a great party it is . As regular readers of my blog (HA !) know I likes my porn and I likes my TV , I don't like when the two cross .

Next we go across the Narrow Sea (English Channel) to France , only I'm sure its not really called France . I forget what they called it . I'll call it Robo-France 2525 . Anyway , in Robo-France 2525 there's a couple albinos who are all that's left of the family that used to rule "England" . The dude albino strips his sister nude , feels her up , and says he's going to her out to some barbarians so they'll help him get his throne back . He's a bad guy see ?

Then they spend an inordinate amount of time showing how barbarous these barbarians are - they don't wear shirts , they eat meat , they stab each other in the face all the time . Also they're way into dry humping , which doesn't seem very barbaric to me . I think dry humping is more a sign of cultural sophistication . Anyway , the point is they're savage screwheads .

The barbarian king rides off with the chick albino for some hot honeymoon action . She starts bawling and for half a second it seems like the barbarian king is going to be Not So Bad but then you realize he just wants her to stop crying so he can enjoy forcing himself on her . She's stripped naked , put in a hammerlock and he goes to town on her . I'm wondering if this albino chick is going to just be a fuckdoll for the whole show . That has to be a weird casting process . Do you want to be nude and crying all the time on TV ? Yes ? You're hired !

Anyway , back across the sea/channel they have some more exposition and they introduce some more characters - I've lost track of most of them at this point . Anyway , House Lannister killed the king's dude and they're after the king too . Mr Stark says he'll protect the king . I assume the king will die 2 minutes into the second episode . Anyway , one of the Stark is climbing up the castle to see his dad ride out with the king and he hears the sounds of humping . Obviously he crawls to the window and looks . Its the Queen getting it on with someone . Like I said I've lost track of all the characters - I thought the dude was a prince of some kind . Maybe he's just the king's bodyguard .

Anyway , they see the seeing them going doggy style like mad (clothes on) and the dude hardcore murders the by tossing him out the window . Even though you could see it coming from a mile away it was kind of shocking . End of episode .

Overall it was pretty compelling . I'd give it a solid A . I will say some of the set design and costuming was pretty amateurish for a show on HBO . Honestly some of the barbarian scenes were of Star Trek level suckitude for sets . Anyway I hope they front loaded all the nudity into the 1st episode to draw people in - that was annoying . I think they did a good job of establishing the presume of the show . Lord Stark is a pussy and he's got a lot of dicks to contend with .

For those not familiar with the dick-pussy-asshole paradigm ;

There's three kinds of people : dicks , pussies , and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along , and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through . But then you got your assholes . And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything . So , pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks . But dicks also fuck assholes . And if they didn't fuck the assholes , you know what you'd get ? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit !

Also for the record I'm a pussy with slight asshole tendencies .
2 Comments
So Karl Bloggerfield and I walk into a bar
Posted:Mar 15, 2012 4:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2012 11:08 am
70328 Views
Not really , I don't even know that dude . Since he encouraged people to read my blog I can assume he has pretty poor judgment . Also he kind of looks like Eddie Guerrero to me .

Anyway , the point is one time he said that replying to the blog of a another dude was kind of like checking them out in the locker room (and not in the good way) . I didn't think much of it at the time , but yesterday when I scrolling through the blogs on here I realized not only do I not response to dude blogs I don't even read them . Without even thinking about it I always skip over blog written by guys . Even if the title appeals to me if a guy wrote it I don't read it . I don't know what that says about me exactly but it makes me a bad blogger I suppose . I assume part of the implied covenant is if you want people to read and interact with your blog you should do that same . Golden Rule and whatnot .

By the way the reason my life is such a mess is because of the Golden Rule - stupid bible school .

Anyway , to take it a step further into the "real" world , I also realized aside from my dude friends who I've been friends with since gradeschool I avoid talking to guys as much as possible . I never seek out other guys for social conversations . Granted I rarely speak to anyone but when I do its a lady . And I'm pretty sure I know why . Because dudes are boring . Here are the 3 conversations that encompass 99% of everything dudes have to say ;

Conversation #1

"Dude , I was so wasted last night ,"

"Totally"

Conversation #2

"Dude , did you see the game last night ?"

"Totally"

Conversation #3

"Dude , my old lady is such a crazy bitch ."

"Totally"

And I was done with those conversations after the first time I heard them . While we're on the subject I feel that crazy bitches get a bad . Just think how many more dudes would be all up in your business all the time if there weren't crazy bitches out there screwing a good portion of them and cutting down the numbers a little bit . Plus I'm pretty sure it was a crazy bitch who invented blowjobs . That's not something that a normal lady would have come up with on her own .

Don't get me wrong , 86% of what woman have to say (dieting , reality TV , shopping) is also boring as hell but still there's 14% there that is worthwhile - which is something . Plus when I talk to a lady I never have the urge to punch her in the face as hard as I can and choke her . Unless that's what she's into and even then its a stretch .

Anyway , as usual I'm not really going anywhere with this , but as long as we're (sort of) on the topic of commenting on blogs there was a post I read the other day that asked a couple questions . I was going to respond because I ask lots of questions and I would like people to answer them (Golden Rule again) but one of the questions was "When was the last time you had sex" and I didn't want to answer that one . Not because I'm ashamed that its been a LONG time since I've had sex , but because I thought it might seem like I was trying to get sympathy/pity sex (which I am , but not for that) .

But then I had a change of heart , because I don't even know you people - why on earth would I care what you thought about it ? So , for those of you playing along at home the last time I had sex was July 25th 2009 - which according to my calculations makes it 964 days or 2 years, 7 months, 19 days (and counting) . I'm sure it seems weird that I remember the exact date , but its only because it was the weekend before my birthday . Fun fact - if your girlfriend's birthday present to you is sex you're about to get dumped .

Now , I will say , in my defense I was in a relationship most of that time with a lady who had certain physical limitations so sex wasn't really an option . I guess technically we did have sex once but neither one of us enjoyed it so I don't count it .

Anyway , just to keep this post from being a total waste I leave you with this ;

The 5 phases of online dating

It used to be that if you wanted to find a romantic partner you were limited to the small pool of people that went to your high school or lived in your town . If you couldn't find your ideal mate at the local malt shop , you were out of luck . There were also some things called "going steady" "petting" and "reefer madness ." It was a dark and confusing time.

Internet dating has changed all that , promising databases with thousands of available singles , and the ability to quickly and accurately match with their ideal mates . Word of mouth has spread from people who have successfully met their partners online ; those of us who are too busy to meet people normally , leave the house , or maintain our personal appearances have sat up and taken notice.

Stage 1: The Actual Truth Stage

Somewhat romantically , I started off operating under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I truly am . After creating my profile , I messaged a dozen or so women on the board , then sat back and waited for their (no doubt voluminous) responses .

Name: Strange_Attractor
Quote: Could you be the cheese on the nachos of my existence?

About me: I'm a really nice guy , and although I might seem a bit shy at first , that's only until you get to know me . Then I'm just ugly . Ha ! That was a little joke . As you can see , I also have an excellent sense of humor .

What I'm looking for: Someone smart , nice , and with a good sense of humor . I'm not too picky about hair color (so long as it's washed, ha ha ha) , or body type . So if you've got clean hair , and are even a little fat , I'd love to hear from you.

Hobbies: Video games , designing web pages for friends , taking online personality quizzes.

Likes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien

Dislikes: none

No responses

Stage 2: The "Fudging the Truth" Stage

Next , I decided that I might be better suited 'playing down' my more unattractive qualities and 'lightly inventing' some of my more attractive ones . After browsing around for a bit, I noticed a subculture of people who said they were religious . Theorizing that they would be less popular and stuck-up than the other , sexily ungodly girls on the site , I refocused my profile to make me look more pious . Also , on the advice of everyone I've ever spoken to about this , I decided to not mention that whole "ugly" thing .

Name: LittleBitOfMelchior
Quote: I followed a star in the sky , and found you . I brought myrrh .

About me: I think you should know I'm already involved in another relationship . You see , Jesus is my girlfriend . Ha ha! That's a little joke . I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend as well . Jesus and I aren't that serious ! Although we also are .

What I'm looking for : I'm looking for someone sweet and sincere , who really wants to get to know me before they get to know me . And by know I mean know in the biblical sense . If you know what I'm saying .

I'm talking about sex.

Hobbies: Talking about feelings , writing in my dream journal .

Likes: Ballads written for/about The Lord , Triscuit crackers , knowing things.

Dislikes: Drugs, Smokers, Birth Control

No responses

Stage 3: The "Blatant Lying" Stage

With none of my prior strategies working , I created a third profile , this time trying to make it as unrelated to me as possible . By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men - something I'd been doing periodically anyway to prove to myself that I'm not gay-I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles . I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile .

Name: SensitiveListeningLawyer42
Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms , then buy things for you with my arms .

About me: I am an incredible listener . I have been listening to things for years , and I am fucking amazing at it . I would like to listen to you talk about how your coworkers aren't as intelligent as you , and would like to know where you buy shoes . I would then like to show you the view from the balcony of my apartment , while we drink red wine , and I continue to listen to you describe things that annoy or delight you .

What I'm looking for: I want someone who's confident-someone who truly believes , deep down inside , that she is incredibly hot . I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that .

It would also be great if you are someone who isn't intimidated when faced with an enormous meat-wand , which this website's guidelines prevent me from outright claiming that I have .

Hobbies: Wearing shirts with my collar up , buying accessories for my cell phone .

Likes: Success , listening , the phrase "meat-wand"

Dislikes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien

No responses

Stage 4: The "Screw You Bastards" Stage

Frustrated at my lack of success thus far, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how: By creating another online dating profile .

Name: TasteTheLove_TasteIt
Quote: I'm only creepy on the inside.

About me: Science promises lifelike female robots within the next twenty years , but that's longer than I can wait . Consequently I need a girlfriend . Although I've never actually had sex , I have played several video games that simulate the act , and feel that that experience , combined with my catlike reflexes , means I'll have a pretty good handle on what's going on . So no worries there .

A side note: I am quite religious , and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a pewter statue of Pat Sajak .

What I'm looking for: Twins if possible , bisexual twins preferably . Age-wise , it's probably best if you're over 18 . No cops please .

Hobbies: Live Action Role Playing

Likes: Collecting edged weapons , Wheel of Fortune

Dislikes: Jeopardy , online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.

One response, from a team of FBI agents .

Stage 5: The "Giving Up On Society" Stage

Feeling marginally better about my attempt to freak out the squares , I was still stuck in the same boat I started in: girlfriendless . It wasn't until a couple weeks later when some errant clicking landed me on a really alarming fetish site , when I came to a startling revelation: People who are into fetishes are ugly . Someone who's into freaky sex is willing to do it with ANYONE , provided they're also into their particular flavor of freakiness . I don't have to be handsome , charming or pleasant , so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit before having sex.

Name: SlapAndTickle_HoldTheTicklePlease
Quote: I hope you need sex really bad , because really bad sex is my specialty .

About me: Have you ever heard of those jerks at (other dating site) ? Man those fucking ice queens piss me off . All with their coy little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing tank tops. Damn . Anyways , I'm willing to get hit . Go nuts .

What I'm looking for: Anyone . Seriously .

Hobbies: Doing things other people want me to do .

Likes: I guess I can deal with ball gags .

Dislikes: Knives and shit

One response from a fat guy and his wife .

Progress !
3 Comments

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