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Buffy VS Loki - Dawn of Justice  

40Deuce 46M
4633 posts
1/15/2019 5:54 pm

Last Read:
1/18/2019 5:49 pm

Buffy VS Loki - Dawn of Justice


The other day someone asked me why I put "Dawn of Justice" after everything which is a stupid question because I don't put it after everything , nor most things , nor even a significant minority of things . I do often use it to follow the format of Something VS Something on account of the 2016 movie film Batman VS Superman - Dawn of Justice . Which was a terrible movie . Like all the movies in the DCU . I don't care how much movie Aquaman made I ain't going .

In 1992 I saw the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer . It was great . I loved it . Then in 1997 I heard it was going to be a show and at first I was both jazzed and pumped , but then I learned Kristy Swanson would not be reprising her role as the titular Buffy and I was out . Sarah Michelle Who ?

Fun facts about the movie - it was produced by Dolly Parton , was filmed in 5 weeks , and apparently Donald Sutherland was a real asshole during said filming .

As a full grown adult man many trusted people have told me I should watch Buffy because I would "love" it . Sidenote anytime someone tells me I would love something I am skeptical right off the bat . When someone tells me that I "have" to see something because I would "love" it I kind of already hate it . A much more effective pitch is "You might want to check out (whatever) you might like it." That's why I could never get behind Everybody Love Raymond .

I was skeptical and resistant but I watched an episode one time and it had a Buffybot and I was like "this is stupid as hell" and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah , don't watch THAT episode , that one sucks" . So then I watched an episode where a girl staying with Buffy was a mummy and it was boring and lame and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" . So then I watched an episode where the swim team people are turning on fish monsters and it was weak and bad and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" .

I say this not to rip on Buffy-people (I already did that in a different post) but to admit that I don't know much about the TV Buffy . I am assuming that her powers are basically the same as the movie Buffy - heightened agility , enhanced senses , increased endurance and the ability to detect vampire via menstrual cramps (which I assume doubles as an incentive to kill them) .

Based on this I say unequivocally that Buffy would be no match for Loki . So far as I can tell Buffy's abilities just put her at the top of human possibility - she's strong and tough and so forth for a teenage cheerleader she's not in the realm of being superhuman .

Just as a base Loki is a frost giant (not as Asgardian people , get it together) and therefore his frost giant metabolism grants him superhuman levels of physical stamina in all activities , speed , durability enough to withstand high-caliber bullets without harm and immunity to all known diseases and toxins , as well as resistance to magic and aging .

Right off the bat Buffy is in the hole when it comes to a confrontation . But that's not the half of it . Loki possesses genius-level intelligence and has extensive training in magic and possesses the ability to manipulate magical forces for a variety of purposes : energy projection , the creation of force fields , temporarily increasing his own physical capabilities , granting superhuman abilities to other living beings or inanimate objects , flight , hypnosis , illusion casting and inter-dimensional teleportation .

Loki possesses extrasensory abilities and is capable of astral projection and casting his thoughts across great distances, even across dimensional barriers , like that between Asgard and Earth . If someone has evil thoughts , Loki can influence their actions even if he is in Asgard and the subject is on Earth and he can influence other events to a degree , such as driving a missile from its path , or redirecting a radio signal .

Loki is an adept shapeshifter and can change into animals (examples include transmogrification to a salmon and a ) or impersonate other people , such as Thor or Captain America . Loki may mimic the abilities of some supernatural beings if he turns into such creatures . He has also turned clouds into dragon, and animated trees to attack Thor.

Loki imbued himself with magical protections that enable him to withstand injuries that would prove fatal to an Asgardian , such as being beheaded by Balder. Loki crafted a method of cheating death . He will be reincarnated upon any "death" of his body now that he has arranged with the incarnations of death that his name be erased from the books of Hel .

I just don't see how Buffy can stack up against all this .

Now you may be thinking that this is an unlikely confrontation - after all Loki is not a vampire and Buffy is not Thor (could she wield Mjolnir ? More research is needed) so why would they come into conflict ?

I see this as going down during the Acts of Vengeance storyline . See Loki got tired to failing to kill Thor all the time so he gathered a bunch of other supervillains and put together the old "Strangers on a Train" plan - each supervillain would change things up and try to kill the nemesis of one of the others . The idea being that , for instance , the Fantastic Four were used to thwarting Doctor Doom - they knew all his tricks - but maybe Magneto could take them by surprise . Another way to think of it as similar to wife-swapping . Wait , that term probably isn't okay anymore . Spouse swapping I meant .

As part of the Acts of Vengeance Loki agrees to take over Dracula's operation (this also explains why Dracula and Superman went head to head one time) and try to take out Blade and sure Doctor Strange too , why not . So Loki is at the head of a vampire army scheming his schemes and whatnot and Blade is about to bite the dust when the cavalry comes in - Buffy and friends .

But isn't the idea of the Acts of Vengeance NOT to use the MO of the villain in question ? Blade fights vampires all the time .

Fine , YOU come up with a reason why Loki is in charge of a vampire army then ! Actually I guess Loki attacking Asgard with an army of vampires would be pretty cool . But still , I'm going with Acts of Vengeance .

Remember in Thor #332 when he summoned a rainstorm to kill vampires ? I do .

Anyway so the story would have to be that Buffy and Blade team-up to take down the vampires and then Loki is just like "eh whatever" and leaves . Typical Loki .

And then Buffy and Blade make sweet , sweet , hot , nasty love-sex . Which is probably on Pornhub right now . And they have a baby . So the question is , will the Buffy-Blade be better at killing vampires than the Steffi Graf- Andre Agassi will be at tennis ? Which is more inheritable - the vampire killing gene or the tennis gene ?

Actually let's say both those genes skip a generation and the Buffy-Blade and the Graf-Agassi get together as adults and they have a who is the world's #1 tennis pro by day and the world's #1 vampire killer by night .

And check this shit out . Remember in 97 when Agassi went from being awesome at tennis to sucking horribly because as it turns out he was wasted on meth ? I bet that's because he was hunting vampires at night and needed the meth to stay awake . And probably Brooke Shields dumped him because she's a damn dirty vampire lover .

It all makes sense . . . .

In conclusion I am not sure why why someone at worked asked me who would win in a fight between Buffy and Loki .

Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.


40Deuce 46M
5725 posts
1/15/2019 5:56 pm

Someone will tell you that they didn't ask me that , that I misheard them asking about buffer overflow because of a Lokibot infection , but they're lying . Like Loki lies .

Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.


superbjversion2 68F  
24388 posts
1/15/2019 6:01 pm

If Loki is so tough - being a Frost Giant offspring - why did he get the crap beat out of him by the Hulk in the first Avengers movie?

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!


40Deuce replies on 1/18/2019 5:50 pm:
Buffy is to a frost giant as a frost giant is to the Hulk

smartasswoman 66F  
35813 posts
1/15/2019 7:03 pm

skim skim skim skim skim skim... "oh, interesting, so THAT's what Mjolnir means"...skim skim skim skim skim.

There's a local guy who's Fetlife name is Mjolnir - now I know that it's probably just a stupid double entendre about his dick.


40Deuce replies on 1/18/2019 5:51 pm:
I think that's just a "pet" name right ? Such as , calling your dick the sledgehammer isn't an entendre is it ?

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